The planet Pluto is lurking around and Mercury is still in retrograde, so truths come to light a little easier. My relationship with money has seen many manifestations, but my prevailing attitude is still based on old beliefs. Money symbolizes suffering and struggling. This also ties into my views on authority and power. People misuse power (and money) to cause emotional pain through manipulation and control. So isn’t my aversion and attitude towards wealth clear?
Growing up money was scarce because of my mother’s choice to send me to private school. (Of course, I am grateful.) But what I took away from this is that money is always in short supply. Even though I saw it wasn’t true for everyone, I believed that struggling was my fate. The abuse from young also left the impression that I was powerless to change anything in my life. I encouraged others with their goals, but never believed in myself. (Although I could fake it really well.) When I worked in hostile environments, I never felt that my income was enough, no matter the size of my paycheck. Managers were so disrespectful, not realizing that they create the opposite of what they want from employees. But I allowed that behavior because I was so boundless. I didn’t want rejection or confrontation, so I kept quiet. At the same time, I resented being told what to do from those who had domination over me because it triggered memories from past abusers. Additionally, my repeated over-cooperation to prove my worth to others, eventually caused more anguish. The people in my inner circle all had money issues and hated their jobs as well, so I really thought it was normal, that’s all I knew.
Presently, I have several streams of income, but I still feel uncertain. When I receive money for what I enjoy doing, I’m embarrassed to accept it or afraid of being greedy. I don’t think I deserve money for just being me or for something that doesn’t cause me distress. However, this isn’t just about money. This is about claiming my inner power and inner strength. This is about recognizing the value in my talents and what I have to offer to allow more abundance in. This is about letting go of the angry broken girl who had no say, no backbone… That person doesn’t even exist anymore, yet, I drag her remains around. It’s like a crazy horror story… the frail tormented damsel schlepping around the dead corpse from the past, scaring everyone because she can’t let go. Except I’m not out for revenge, the only person I’m hurting is myself… Clearly, March is the month for deeper inner work. The beginning of the end of madness…