WordPress acknowledged my one year anniversary of this blog…. and it saddened me. I have no idea where to go from here…. what to write about next. I’m feeling incredibly guilty about being unfocused and inconsistent. Mercury is finally out of retrograde, and for the time being, I’m unencumbered from outside influences to my psyche. Somehow, the tape cassettes with negative self-talk usurped my mind again. I let my guard down in September, anxiety took hold, and I’ve been tormented ever since. Unable to admit it, not wanting to admit it…. because I feel alone and vulnerable with my struggles in life. My writing, as of late, is nothing more than un-publishable, unfinished ramblings. My plan was to blog about my journey of authentic living….. including all of the ups, downs, circles, diagonals, lessons learned, discoveries, diversions….. However, self-doubt is invasive and deceptively powerful… so the questions run rampant:
Is it acceptable to divulge the darker and racier thoughts? The even more obsessive thoughts? Can I write about the truth that dwells within the socially unacceptable topics? (Comedians do it.) Why am I writing about music? (Since it seems I’m limited to 80’s and specific rap.) Am I too revealing? (Isn’t that the best writing?) And so on….
I want to share my triumphs, demonstrating that those who suffer emotionally can still have a great life. BUT insecurity obstructs my flow, and I strayed away from the original purpose for creating this blog. I abandon unfinished pieces daily…. there is no revisiting, the moment is gone, tingles of inspiration vanish in a flash. Resisting the compulsion to express myself creates a wicked turbulence in me. The whole point to blogging is to find the courage to challenge myself, going miles beyond my comfort zone…….
Last night, I reached out to a fellow creative…. As usual, my email exchange with DJ Rockwell, was all truth. His response to my state of stuckness? Essentially reiterating my core beliefs:
I understand your frustrations…all I want to do is LET IT FLOW…my thoughts are so random, make absolutely no sense…but in the grand scheme of things, everything comes full circle…you will tie this story with that one and that one with another…rants, raves, likes, dislikes…and should anyone really care what the true definition of a blog is??? they are your thoughts, about this moment in time…take ’em or leave ’em people…I’ll take ’em…F*CK YEAH!!! Living Authentically…It is what ever single person in the entire world should aspire to do…FOR REAL, YO!!! Honesty is always the best answer…it feels good to release, LET IT OUT…this is who you are…living authentically.
Clearly, we are on a similar path, he gets it. Why am I so hard on myself? This blog as a metaphor for my life. The reality is, insecurities aside, my progress is immeasurable. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I create whatever I want, so why can’t I CREATE confidence?? (Because it’s not so easy, OR is it because I think it’s hard, so then it is exactly as I perceive it?)……….. Also, I’m cleaning house again, in a big way, and that always gives me clarity…. Regardless, these slumps are a part of my growth… and I just have to put on some music and Get it Together….