“I look in the mirror, my only opponent…” Welcome to the Jungle, Jay-Z
I am still writing daily… still not posting… still listening to the same VERY OLD cassette tapes: I can’t write about anything interesting, it’s too long, it’s too short, I’m not creative, I’m boring, I’m not smart enough, I’m not pretty enough-whoops, wrong tape- you get the point…
This is the year that I figure IT all out, I just feel it inside. My writing is the catalyst to it all… discovering my life purpose and the answers would just manifest… I have it all mapped out… tsk tsk tsk…
I was going nowhere fast- circular, confused, scattered, scared… Cancerians tend to get lost in emotions… I go so deep– nothing penetrates. I had to shut out the world, retreating in my shell of introspection. For a different point of view and inspiration, respectively, I turn to my tarot cards and my music.
Day after day, I ask the tarot basically the same questions, but I pose it differently, hoping to receive THE answer… although, admittedly, I didn’t look deep enough. I choose the same cards… over and over again… sometimes I expected it, sometimes it freaked me out…
The 8 of wands implied that I wasn’t going with the flow, yet I was still forcing the issue because I felt I needed to take action. But I wasn’t coming from an informed space of mind to take any action.
The 8 of swords was a menace… I close my eyes after a really good shuffle… hoping, wishing another card would surface… and BAM! 8 of swords… again… WHAT DID I REFUSE TO SEE??
Without having any foreknowledge about tarot cards, (I am learning) the message is clear . Look at her. First off, she is alone, not on solid ground, but not in any eminent danger. The ties that bind are loose. Only the tips of the swords are in the ground, so they can be knocked down. Grey skies are cloudy thoughts and a castle in the background can mean a foundation or home. Regardless of what it represents, it is reachable.
So basically her thoughts (fears) have run amuck and she is now blinded to the truth, restricted, powerless, lacking direction and overwhelmed. But she is not drowning or falling off a cliff. She is standing in stagnant water, and has lost sure footing, which can create immobilization through fear. With some effort, she could wriggle free or she could maneuver to use the side of the sword to slice through. But she is standing there, powerless and succumbed to her self-imposed restrictions because she refuses to see that she can get out. HMMMMMMM…..
I know that the answers are always, always within. Solutions are not always easy, but they exist. Even if I am afraid, options are available.
I was the only one getting in the way of myself …but I didn’t know what that meant exactly. What was I not acknowledging? LOTS! What should I consider? LOTS. I may not have the specific answers, but I can take care of unfinished business.
At times, I want to skip all the work (avoid the pain) — skip the WHOLE process and be done. Life doesn’t work that way, we are always growing and evolving. Why did I think I was exempt??
The time has come to consider: Am I a poser or am I just all talk? This lifestyle is not always easy, but life is enjoyable away from the illusions and lies. I will continue to face truths…